First off, it's been ages since I last posted. A lot of what I'm going to say in the post will entirely contradict the last several posts, but that's okay. For mental scrapbooking reasons, I'm going to fill you (and me) in on what's happened since that last post.

I became best friends with the people I referred to in the last post. I spent every single day of summer 2009 with them. My ex-girlfriend and I could barely be civil to one another, I was (and still am) totally in love with her and she had feelings for one of our friends (her current girlfriend). I moved to Seattle for three months, working at Urban Outfitters, living in a house I hated, and not having any friends. After I couldn't stand being broke and miserable anymore I moved back to Oregon at the end of January. I've been staying on the aforementioned ex's couch except on the weekends when her girlfriend stays over (and right now because it's spring break). Did I mention her girlfriend is a high school junior and only seventeen? And my ex is six months away from being twenty. (Yes, I am bitter. More on that later.) I am technically homeless and 100% jobless. I want to start my own company. I do almost nothing everyday, but I'm trying to change that. I may very well be depressed. I am ridiculously broke. I am addicted to two things, nicotine and Bugsy B. I'm not sure which is worse for my health.

My friends have been far less fond of me since Bugsy started her thing with Raven (who has basically stopped liking me altogether, the whole ex and current girlfriend dynamic) and it makes me really sad. I feel like I constantly have to prove my worth to them. Take shoplifting for example, it's a practice many of my friends participate in and I am definitely guilty of it as well. Just today I got caught stealing sandpaper, (because I'm broke and homeless, I just wanted to make some art!) which I never would have considered before being friends with them. I used to have strong morals, but they seem to have been diluted over the last year. There are definitely pros and cons to each of those statements, but when it comes down to it, I've lost who I am and what I represent. I need to find myself again and pray everything goes a lot smoother from there.

And now the big L-O-V-E rant that is so popular here on LJ. I've loved the same girl for over two and half years now. I know I'm only nineteen, but believe when I say that I've had at least 17 entirely different lives in those 2.5 years. Never have I met someone who sees things the way that I do. She is the only person that makes me really feel like I have a sense of who I am, and I strongly believe that she's suppressing her true self to win over her girlfriend. Clearly people grow and change, but no one changes that drastically. When we hang out one-on-one it's almost like she's the Bugsy I know and love again, except she's always texting her girlfriend. She only calls on me when she is lonely and like a lovesick puppy, I would follow her anywhere. Love is supposed to be the most pure emotion there is, so why do I feel like I'm so wrong? My intuition is surprisingly sharp which is why I have yet to give up hope and my dreams (I'm starting to dream really well again) have been continued to keep me on pins and needles for the day something changes.

But for now I will just try and be her friend. The one she loves to hate and hates to love, and as sad as it is, I'll continue to stand by her.

I honestly wonder why I am still trying to be friends with these people.
We have nothing in common.

I always feel judged.

They are as elitist like I always suspected.

I can't talk about my passion or how I'd like to have money because it makes me a "consumer."

Fuck, I don't care about consuming. I enjoy having nice things. Sorry if that's so hard to understand.

This is why I don't like having friends. Too much fucking drama. I hate it.
My soul is tired of being poked and prodded by "meaningful, deep questions." I know who I am. Why do they have to know too? I'm getting sick of all their fucking bullshit.

Every time I encounter them, it's like all the soul-searching I've done becomes irrelevant. Like it doesn't matter that I, at the very least, have a sense of myself for the first time ever.

I don't want to be judged for drinking Starbucks, for being a city girl, for seeing movies multiple times a week.

I fucking hate when people go on and on about being "individuals" because the majority of those people still haven't found the things that make them truly unique. Most people who rebel against society are just as culty as the people they are rebelling against.

I can't comprehend how people think this is a "new age" and blahblahblah. Peace isn't going to come, get the fuck over it. World peace would fucking suck. You can't thoroughly enjoy pleasure until you've experienced some kind of pain, even if it's extremely minute. Take hunger for example. Food is always that much more enjoyable when you've suffered the pain of being hungry. Peace would make everything taste bland.

Despite all of this, I still don't judge these kids for being like that. I respect it because I respect them. Or at least I did until last night. I just don't get it. Honestly, I really don't. What did he ever do to them? No one deserves to be told "oh, we don't want you here, so you need to leave, but we're all going to keep hanging out." FUCK THAT. If I had known the situation beforehand, I would have said something.

This isn't who I am. I don't believe in "effecting change." I don't think you can truly cause change if you are seeking to. You shouldn't want to change the world just to change the world, you should want to change the world because you feel it in your gut. You should do it humbly. You should do it with pride. You should aim to fulfill yourself first and foremost, because if you don't have know how to do that, then how can you fill a gap in all of society?

I know I know nothing. I acknowledge that I don't have much of a so-say when it comes to real world issues. I understand that I can't possibly understand every aspect of world events, and no, my opinion really doesn't matter much. I don't think I'm better then them. I do think that I have obtained something most of them are lacking which is truth in myself. Even if I'm only a portion of who I will be when I die, at least I know that I won't go out of this world as a lie. At the very least, I can say I'm as true with myself as I know how to be.

These kids all think they have already experience real life. I'm not saying that I have either, but at least I know that. High school does not make you understand the world. The only way to understand is to become the world. I'm through wasting my life on meaningless rants about things I can't control. All I can do is takes things as they come, and mold them into opportunities. I'm simply seeking a truth. What truth? I haven't the slightest idea, but that's okay.

This post has official been too long, but it seems the perfect time to let out a longwinded rant.

I just read this article about this woman who went to Hawaii for vacation and just stayed. It was very inspiring.

Now, I'm not saying I just want to up and leave without the proper funds or a plan, but some of the things just made me realize that it's okay to appreciate where I'm living now. It's a very pretty state. We went to Skinners Butte earlier today and Jake and I climbed on some the rocks. It was fun to feel like a little kid for a while.

Don't get me wrong, I am so ready to leave this place, but I realized that I just HAVE to stop being so negative about it.  I have no one to blame but myself. It's my fault that I don't have a job. Sure, the economy is shitty, but people are still getting jobs. And sure, I won't make a ton, but it's a hell of a lot more than I am currently.

I also HAVE to stop getting so intense about things. It hurts me and it hurts others. I get so intense about my fear that I let it take control, and then cause the exact thing I was afraid of to happen. I hate that I am such a master at doing this.  I have to put an end to that.

I'm getting a new phone, which is great, but I'm concerned about the cost. Basically, I have two more months of my parents paying the bill for me and then I either have to a) have a job and pay for that one or b) have a job and get a new phone under my name. Decisions decisions.

Hmm. I need to think of more places to apply and check on my Subway application. Woo fast food.

Also, I love Sweeney. And she amazes me every single day.

/fin.

You first noticed it that time you met her parents.
Nothing all that alarming.
Gentle strokes on the arm, meaningful glances.
Isn't that what sisters do?
It was nothing, Ben.

The second time was a little concerning.
Her hand disappeared beneath the table.
Her sister smiled in a comfortably aroused way.
You had been drinking.
It was nothing, Ben.

You woke up to an empty bed.
You could hear low voices in her sister's room.
Or was that moaning?
You were groggy from sleep.
It was nothing, Ben.

Your wedding reception.
She disappeared, her sister followed.
You were happy.
You were married.
That night you questioned her.
She shrugged and kissed you.
"It was nothing, Ben."

And she turned out the light.

Stab after stab after stab.
And then knife gets twisted, and then back again.

I just want to fix everything. I want to take it all back.
I want to be like Tru and go back to this morning.
I could make it better. Make this never happen.
I wish that my remorse was worth something.
I wish it could be seen how awful I feel.
I know I fucked up.
I know that I would do anything to fix it.
I know that I'm too intense.
I know all of that.

I don't want to be so insecure.
I don't to make things up in my head, and then do things to make them come true.
I don't want the only people I've ever had.
I don't know what to do to fix it.
I don't know what to do to make it better.

I'm so lost.
I'm in so much pain.
I'm so sorry.

Please, let me explain everything.

I have it in my head that it might be neat to wake up at like ten every morning, do something physical, and then be productive.

I really don't want a job. But what else can I do? I've been here for three months, and I'm still unemployed.
That's disgusting.
So what do I do?
I don't really know.

I really want to have sex, snuggle, and then sleep. Repeat.
It sounds so relaxing and perfect.

I have been feeling a weird range of emotions lately. I don't know what's causing them.
They're just really weird.

I'm going to go to sleep and then have coffee with my lady friend.
It should be nice.
I love her.

Despite the fact that Liz Feldman's humor isn't really my cup of tea, I can't help but watch This Just Out every week.
I've decided that Sara Quin kind of reminds me of myself in the way she dresses, and Tegan in the way that she acts.
Is that weird?

Everything is starting to unfreeze.
Like a very warm fire was started at my core and slowly I'm coming back to life.
Until this moment I forgot that people get the depressed in the winter time.
Maybe that had something to do with it.
Nevertheless, I think I can officially say I'm no longer depressed.
Just scared.

I promised myself I would attempt to post every day.
So I am.
Despite the fact that I'm wiped out.
And my spine is paining me.

I think I'm happy right now though.
I could go for some coffee, a snuggle, and then bed.
Though only the last one will happen tonight.

*sleeps*